a hideous sight.
Reflection and taste
are torture tonight.
A glimpse of my face,
I don't want to see.
the mirror is calling to me.
I forgot how miserable ED makes me. I spend most of my time thinking about what I will eat next and what I will do to work it off.
I try to resist binges, when I fail I feel like a piece of shit. I don’t see people, I see numbers and bones. I feel so sick all of the time, I’m exhausted. I feel even worse about my body than I did before. The only thing I think about more than food is my stomache fat. I thought this would make me happy… but it doesn’t. I guess the EDU did work on me.
This doesn’t mean that I wont stop trying to get healthy. I will eat a better diet and work out at the gym. But this isn’t about trying to make myself worthwhile or beautiful. This is to give me what I want from life. The freedom to go the the lake and catch crawdads without being exhausted. Or going out to eat without sneaking away periodically. Or maybe being in a swimsuit without feeling like everyone is staring at me.
I’m dropping out of the race.
Her: I can't wait to get it going with this guy!
Me: Haha use a condom XD
Her: I don't jave to worry about it because I don't weigh enough to have my period.
In my head: Wow. I am a worthless piece of shit.
Don’t eat ANYTHING with artificial sweeteners. It makes you soooo hungry.
When you do eat, eat slow. Really slow. It gives your body more time to think that you are full.
When you do eat, drink a ton of liquids.
Limit salt intake. It makes hunger pains 10X worse.
Smell vanilla when you are hungry, and then drink water. It makes your body think that it got that delicious thing.
Wait out the hunger pains/cravings! They generally are only super intense for 20 minutes out of the hour. So, when you are getting weak, remember that you only have a few more minuets to go.
Make sure that you are getting enough sleep, it increases your metabolism and makes loosing weight easier.
When you do eat, try to get it spicy (only if you wont purge because it will burn like a bitch!). It upsets the lining of your stomach a little and makes you not want to eat again.
When your hunger pains are getting strong, flex every muscle in your body and hold it for as long as possible. It is a great distraction because of how your muscles will fell after. If you are in a public place, hide your hands and clench them.
If you are going to eat do it in the morning. Try to get in 10 grams of protein by ten AM. It increases metabolism and makes loosing weight easier. Plus, when I eat in the morning, I only get intense hunger cravings around two of three.
Drink black tea/coffee. It acts as a natural laxative, making your stomach more flat and the food go right though your system. (PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, DO NOT USE ACTUAL LAXATIVES! IT WILL FUCK UP YOUR DIGESTIVE SYSTEM FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. Last year, it took me over 5 months to poop again. I still don’t poop normally and need to take mira-lax everyday to keep myself normal.)
Take vitamin C, it helps your body burn fat faster.
Take fish-oil supplements. They are fatty, but they stop cravings altogether.
Look up a cravings chart online, it will help you to substitute the bad fats with good ones.
Last, but not least, look up pictures of people who you want to look like online. Save them onto your phone and look at them whenever you feel weak.
I hope this helps (at least a little).